Mopey Crankyface McMoperson

 

            I am generally a wildly good-natured and trusting person. I really do believe that everyone is, ultimately, a good person with the best intentions. This is almost certainly an attitude that’s going to get me murdered by a serial killer one day. But even before the inevitable end comes, this attitude causes me a lot of trouble. See, loving everyone sounds great, right? It sounds like the sort of thing that would make you happy and sunny all the time! Ahahahaha. No. So often, my general attitude toward the world is: “I LOVED you, I TRUSTED you, I saw your BEAUTY and your HUMANITY and your VALUE and your POTENTIAL, and you have SHIT ALL OVER my expectations. Well done, you.”

            There’s no cynic like a failed romantic, yeah?

            This is giving me a lot of trouble at university, actually. Many of the other people on my program are astonishingly disrespectful to instructors and other students, and there are a lot of students who are either insanely lazy or pretty unintelligent. I truly hate to be so harsh about it, but I am straight-up scandalized by the low quality of work that I see around me. We’re supposed to be at a university level, and I would’ve absolutely skewered any of my former students (all 14-17 years old) if they had tried to pass off this quality as acceptable. I’ve been skipping seminars a lot lately, because watching this nonsense makes my blood pressure skyrocket. I am, frankly, offended and demoralized by my fellow students. I trusted that we were all going into this program with good intentions, and now I feel personally let down.

            Of course, seminars are the only place where the instructors take attendance (they don’t for lectures) and this past week, one of my seminar leaders hauled me aside to point out that if I don’t cut this shit out, I might get put on probation by the university, which would in turn jeopardize my visa.

            I have been wrestling with this for several weeks now. I know university is, by design, supposed to suck. I didn’t walk into this expecting it to be enjoyable. My mother (always able to toe the line between “wise motivator” and “cranky misanthrope”) pointed out that the value of a university degree is less that it says anything about actual material you have learned, and more about your ability to put up with this sort of bullshit. She added that the less-motivated or –clever ones will probably wash out of the program after year one or in year two, so they might not be on top of me for all three years.

            I wish I could find a way to be funny or insightful about this, and maybe, after it’s all over, I will. In the meantime, it’s just making me cranky-squared, because class is an absolute misery and then I feel guilty about my fraying temper and my active dislike for so many people I barely know. It’s a tricky spot, chums. I’ll try to bring back the sunny attitude soon, I promise.