Saturday, December 8, 2012

Mopey Crankyface McMoperson

 
            I am generally a wildly good-natured and trusting person. I really do believe that everyone is, ultimately, a good person with the best intentions. This is almost certainly an attitude that’s going to get me murdered by a serial killer one day. But even before the inevitable end comes, this attitude causes me a lot of trouble. See, loving everyone sounds great, right? It sounds like the sort of thing that would make you happy and sunny all the time! Ahahahaha. No. So often, my general attitude toward the world is: “I LOVED you, I TRUSTED you, I saw your BEAUTY and your HUMANITY and your VALUE and your POTENTIAL, and you have SHIT ALL OVER my expectations. Well done, you.”

            There’s no cynic like a failed romantic, yeah?

            This is giving me a lot of trouble at university, actually. Many of the other people on my program are astonishingly disrespectful to instructors and other students, and there are a lot of students who are either insanely lazy or pretty unintelligent. I truly hate to be so harsh about it, but I am straight-up scandalized by the low quality of work that I see around me. We’re supposed to be at a university level, and I would’ve absolutely skewered any of my former students (all 14-17 years old) if they had tried to pass off this quality as acceptable. I’ve been skipping seminars a lot lately, because watching this nonsense makes my blood pressure skyrocket. I am, frankly, offended and demoralized by my fellow students. I trusted that we were all going into this program with good intentions, and now I feel personally let down.

            Of course, seminars are the only place where the instructors take attendance (they don’t for lectures) and this past week, one of my seminar leaders hauled me aside to point out that if I don’t cut this shit out, I might get put on probation by the university, which would in turn jeopardize my visa.

            I have been wrestling with this for several weeks now. I know university is, by design, supposed to suck. I didn’t walk into this expecting it to be enjoyable. My mother (always able to toe the line between “wise motivator” and “cranky misanthrope”) pointed out that the value of a university degree is less that it says anything about actual material you have learned, and more about your ability to put up with this sort of bullshit. She added that the less-motivated or –clever ones will probably wash out of the program after year one or in year two, so they might not be on top of me for all three years.

            I wish I could find a way to be funny or insightful about this, and maybe, after it’s all over, I will. In the meantime, it’s just making me cranky-squared, because class is an absolute misery and then I feel guilty about my fraying temper and my active dislike for so many people I barely know. It’s a tricky spot, chums. I’ll try to bring back the sunny attitude soon, I promise.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Why I'll Never Be An Adult


            OH MY GOD, y’all, is it possible to get pregnant from a musical? If it is, I’m in serious trouble because I’m almost definitely having Seussical’s baby. Yeah, the dorky little show is actually that good.

            Incidentally, our upcoming appearance on Jeremy Kyle is going to be fantastic. Seussical is going to be all, “You were cheating on me with Les Mis! How do I know that baby’s mine, eh?” and I’m going to be crying and screaming “It’s got FUR and STRIPES, of COURSE IT IS YOURS” and meanwhile Les Mis is picking up chairs that have been flung around the studio to build a furniture wall and mumbling in French to itself. Further digression: this is why I will never be a theatre critic. I am totally qualified, but at some point my editor would have to propose that I actually write something that makes sense to another human being while I lie on the floor screaming about pregnancy and Jeremy Kyle.

            Seriously, though: if you have the chance, go see this show. The venue is small and the staging is about as low-tech as it comes, but a ridiculously talented and energetic cast make for some of the most vibrant theatre I’ve seen in a while. Every one of them deserves kudos. Kirsty Marie Ayers is particularly outstanding and presh to death as Gertrude McFuzz, and David Hunter (whom you may remember from my last blog entry) is doing what he does best as Horton the Elephant – namely, he’s removing my heart from my breast and crushing it to a fine paste underneath his heel whilst being the most adorable thing in the West End. Also, on an even shallower note, special props to Natalie Green for having such a slammin’ bod that she even makes the Sour Kangaroo’s high-waisted wide-legged salmon-pink trousers look foxy.

            Unfortunately, I wound up sitting in the middle of a mostly-empty second row, and I felt like a total creeper. I dislike the feeling of being essentially in the actors’ laps; I’m a big fan of that fourth wall. Also, there were some minor issues with the microphones and the sound balance that were distracting in the moment, but should be fairly easy to solve. Neither snag hindered my enjoyment of the performance much, but I’d like to go back when they have some of the technical stuff smoothed out a little more.

I know the show is ostensibly kid stuff, but don’t be put off by that. Fun stuff doesn’t stop being fun just because you don’t need a booster seat at the theatre any more. Come on, I know you still sing Disney songs and have waffles for dinner when you think no one’s looking, right? (If the answer to that is “no,” you can just leave now. We don’t need your kind here.)

One final David Hunter-related note. (I promise this is not turning into a Fuck Yeah, David Hunter! blog. It’s relevant. Sort of.) Apparently my mother has found this blog! Hi, Mama, if you’re reading this.  Remember what happened the last time I saw one of Dave’s shows? If not, go refresh your memory with the second half of this entry. Anyway, TLC read that entry and phoned me, very concerned that I was developing a drinking problem.  I had to explain to her that I wasn’t drunk when the whole swearing-and-accidental-hitting thing went down. There is nothing like the shame of having to explain to your dear old mother that her only child doesn’t have a problem with drink – she has a problem with life. APPARENTLY.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Caution: Liz-aster Area


            There is nothing that makes quite as harsh a start to the morning as waking up and re-reading your post-midnight texts and tweets from the night before. I know I get punchy and yappy when I’m overtired, but somehow last night while tweeting with my friend Vera at 3AM local time, I went from a joke about how I’ve got to stop proposing marriage to buskers (perfectly reasonable and I stand by that assessment in the unforgiving light of day) to visualizing a man playing the ukulele while gripping my still-beating heart in his teeth while it pumps my blood all down his front. Um. What?

            I so wish I could introduce all of you to my friend Maz. She’s lovely. She’s gorgeous and clever and is possessed of a bone-dry sense of humor, and she also has some of the most eloquent gestures I’ve ever seen. She has one in particular that means “surely I must have misheard you, because no one could possibly be dumb enough to say what I think you just said.” (She’s German. They’re a succinct people.) If you know Maz, you know exactly the gesture I mean. It’s a little stiff-armed shrug combined with a side-eye, and I’ve seen it stop stampeding morons in their tracks. Somehow the critic who lives in my head has picked up the Maz gesture, and she uses it on me often. When I start talking about ukulele players and my ripped-out heart and fountains of my blood, my inner critic does the Maz at me pretty hard.

            Freya and I went to see a one-off performance of Tommy last week. We both went in completely blind – as far as I was concerned, David Hunter from the reality show Superstar was in it. He was the cute one who made me cry a lot, and I quite wanted to see him perform live.  I’m not even going to try to summarize Tommy here but if you’ve never seen it: paedophilia, pinball, Christ figure, early retirement. Yeah, it makes about that much sense onstage, too. After the end of the show, Freya and I went around back to say a genial “well done, sir” to Mr. Hunter.

            At this point, anyone who has met me ever is rehearsing the Maz gesture to perform it along with my inner critic, because you see where this is going.

            As per all expectations, I was the world’s most socially graceless little badger. I said “fuck” about fifteen times to poor Mr. Hunter, and “jizz” once, and then I accidentally punched him. It was maybe not my finest hour. Would we go so far as to call it a “Liz-aster”? I think we can. (I am totally making “Liz-aster” happen, you guys. It’s not like I don’t have enough events that need that descriptor.) Much to the gentleman’s credit, he was properly lovely to me. Of course he was! He’s a retired rock star. He’s probably dealt with weirder shit than blue-haired sweary American bitches. He really is gorgeous, though, and Freya and I spent the entire train ride home gently smacking each other in a blind fog of lust and crooning “Why couldn’t he be awful so we’d have an excuse to not fancy him?”

            If my inner critic doesn’t stop doing the Maz gesture at me, she’s totally going to get a repetitive strain injury in her shoulders.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Back On The Blog


Hello, all! It’s been some time since I checked in. I’ve been getting my bearings in a whole new country – I’m sure you understand. I’ve been indulging in a lot of good theatre and a number of good meals; the only harshes on my buzz are the fact that I remain as resentful of authority (makes university tricky) and disaster-prone as ever (gross virus; broken toe – I tripped over Chelsea and fell down some stairs; don’t even ask. Trust me, you don’t want to know).

So far in my London life: I’ve seen Twelfth Night with Stephen Fry, Jesus Christ Superstar, Matilda, Les Mis (twice, and stop acting like you’re surprised. You fool no one), Roger Rees’ one-man show What You Will, Our Boys with Doctor Who's Arthur Darvill and Harry Potter's Matt Lewis, and Jersey Boys. Oh, and I went to a book talk given by Miranda Hart, who’s one of my comedy idols. I’ve gotten lost about two dozen times and have consumed roughly my own body weight in beer and Cadbury’s chocolate. I’m slowly making friends with that adorable three-legged dog down the road. I’ve even occasionally managed to make it to lecture. The coming weeks show no sign of slowing down! I’m due to see Mark Gatiss (of Sherlock fame) in 55 Days, Hedda Gabler, and a one-off special performance of Tommy. There’s a talk at Highgate Cemetery I’m booked to see about insanity in Victorian England, and I’m going to see Emily Barker and the Red Clay Halo do a gig somewhere in Islington.

Money is tight, naturally. Obviously I’m not hurting for anything, but my funds are budgeted very closely. I very nearly wound up taking a job at a call centre, despite my well-documented phobia of telephones. My bacon was saved in the nick of time by my old boss at the Princeton Review, who offered me a ludicrously lucrative gig scoring student essays. I may still look into some part-time work in the UK. I was on a bus down one of the shopping high streets this past weekend, and I thought about how fantastic it would be to be able to buy anything I wanted there – not everything I wanted, of course, but to have the funds for any one thing I wanted. Well, maybe someday. In the meantime, I’m going to hope that my current lifestyle is character-building. I’m glad to be housed, fed, and to have enough saved up for an exciting and varied theatre schedule.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Saying Good-Bye Is The Fucking Worst


I said good-bye to my dog Simon yesterday. I’ve been saying for the past year that particular day would be the hardest part of this process and I hope I wasn’t wrong because man, yesterday sucked. I’ve had Simon for more than five years, since he was just a puppy, and he is absolutely the love of my life and the best dog in the world. I spent all of yesterday morning in tears, while Simon leaned against my legs or crawled into my lap to lick my face and cuddle against my neck. He’ll be living with TLC while I’m in London; she’s promised to set up regular Skype dates for us. It’s not that I don’t think Simon isn’t smart enough to work a laptop, but the lack of flexible digits or a thumb is a hindrance to him.

I leave in 25 hours and the past day has been constant realizations of stuff I should’ve done ages ago, but didn’t. “FUCK,” I’ve screamed, jumping up from the dinner table, “I forgot to mend my winter coat! I’ve known it’s needed repair since two winters ago; why didn’t I do it then?” Man, past Liz is the worst. She probably decided to have a Doctor Who marathon and let September 2012 Liz worry about the coat and the checkbook balancing, and now September 2012 Liz thinks that past Liz is a fucking bitch.

I am finding this pressure uncomfortable. Maybe I’ll go have a Doctor Who marathon and let future Liz deal with a ripped coat. (I know future Liz well enough to suspect that she’ll be tweeting in December about what a fucking bitch past Liz is.)

Monday, September 3, 2012

Bibliophilia


            Please don’t misunderstand me – I love my family. I am devoted to my friends in the States. I am going to have an actual meltdown when I say goodbye to my beloved bulldog/border collie mix Simon.

            Furthermore, I don’t see myself as excessively materialistic. I like my comforts, but I’m pretty chill about the whole notion of possessions. People before things, you know?

            However, there is one arena in which the “people before things” philosophy falls away, and that is books. I love books. I hoard books. Every place I’ve ever lived has had shelves full of books, with more books crammed into, under and around every flat surface. I was the nerdy kid in elementary school who always got busted for reading under her desk, and now I’m the nerdy chick who chooses handbags based on how many books I estimate I can cram into it. I’m moving to the UK to study publishing because by god, it is high time this obsession made me some money.

            Of course, when you’re moving across the Atlantic, you really have to pare down your possessions. The questions I’ve been wrestling with these past few months haven’t been “how will I stay in touch with my mother?” or “will I be able to make it back to the States for my best friend’s wedding?” but “what books am I taking with me?” and “holy cats, how am I going to part with the rest of them?”

            After three purges, I’ve sold off eight boxes of books to my used bookstore, and I still have a whole bookcase that’s crammed to the gills. It’s amazing how many books you can acquire in a quarter of a century. I’m getting down to the books that it’s going to be hard for me to part with – I remain incredibly attached to a lot of the things that started my love affair with books, so I have a whole stash of young-adult feminist fantasy novels in the vein of Tamora Pierce and Patricia C. Wrede. At the risk of sounding like a capital-L Loser (too late!), those books were hugely important to me in my formative years, and surrendering them is going to be like losing friends.

            I still haven’t decided what I’m taking with me. How do you decide what’s important enough to carry on your back across an ocean?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Reporting Live From My Bed


            You know how whenever you’re about to lift something heavy, one of your parents will scream “Lift with your KNEES, not with your BACK!”? Even if you’re home alone, and both your parents live in completely different states, whenever you’re bracing yourself to lift something heavy, one of your parents will drop down from the ceiling Spiderman-style to scream “Lift with your KNEES, not with your BACK!” (I’d bet my pain pills you see where this is going.)

            Last Friday I had to lift up the lawnmower to get it out of the garage, and apparently both my parents were taking the day off from their superpowers, so I thought “Fuck it, variety is the spice of life.” So I bent, reached, and lifted, and then I heard something rip behind me. I thought I’d torn my jeans until I tried to straighten up and pain knifed through my back.

            So anyway, I’ve spent the past week immobile on my back, tripping absolute balls on a home-mixed concoction of muscle relaxants and anti-anxiety drugs. I don’t generally endorse playing pharmacist at home, but look, my alternative involves literally screaming in pain every time I move - and to head off your next question, of course I’m not going to the doctor; doctors are for pansies.

            On the upside, I had some dental work on Monday and I was all hopped up on my own personal go-go juice of Valium and Xanax while the nice man was drilling on me and baby, I felt fiiiiiine. Also, my dentist has one of those nice roll-y massage-y chairs, because my dentist might actually be a literal saint, and I’ve even said so when I wasn’t off my face on pills.

            Even so, I am so incredibly bored. Day one of lazing in bed was luxurious. Day seven is torture. I’m watching old episodes of Jonathan Creek and playing Sudoku on my phone and while these are generally my favorite things in the world to do, I’d trade it all to be able to take my dogs for a walk.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Elektra, and subsequently going completely off the rails


            The tricky thing about staging Greek drama is that so little of it fits easily into our modern dramatic conventions, so a production of one of these lionized classics usually does one of two things: it hammers at the square peg of Greek tragedy until it fits the round hole of modern staging, or it attempts to embrace the traditions that the play would have used in its original setting. Either of these options tends to alienate the audience, and in this translation across languages, centuries and cultures the play loses much of the emotional resonances that made the work worth keeping around for some two and a half millennia.

            The staging of Elektra this summer at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival falls into neither of these traps, but is instead a perfectly harmonized blend of classical and modern traditions through which the production can express its wholly original voice. Although I’ve never seen anything quite like it, I found it to be one of the most chilling and moving experiences I’ve ever had with theatre.

            It was obvious even before the lights went down that we were throwing some dramatic conventions out the window, as the members of the chorus circulated through the audience, chatting and bringing us all up to speed on the background points of the play that Sophocles assumed his audience would know. It was a small but clever element to help us feel invested in the action. From that point on, the play relied heavily on the women of its chorus, as they speak both to and for the audience and brilliantly intensify the play’s emotion through song, movement and body percussion. It was the first time I’ve seen a chorus that was a true chorus, rather than simply a speaking ensemble. In a very clever design touch, the women’s costumes were painted with excerpts from the original Greek text of the play, which delighted my inner classics nerd to no end.

            Yanna Mackintosh has truly jaw-dropping endurance, as she never flags through this emotional marathon of a performance but instead seamlessly carries us along through Elektra’s rollercoaster of despair and exuberance. Ian Lake managed to be at once heroic and sympathetic as Orestes, which is doubly impressive as my attention kept getting pulled back to his utterly incomprehensible costume of tweed shorts, knee socks and a white puffer vest. Laura Condlln made a memorable character out of what could have been a throw-away role in Chrysothemis. Graham Abbey also made a strong impression with a short amount of stage time as Aegisthus, and in one scene takes his character from a slick and sleazy opportunist to a frightened and beaten doomed man.

            I’ve personally always found Elektra a difficult play to watch because, frankly, I’m Team Clytemnestra. It seems to me that if a man cuts your daughter’s throat, hitting that man with an axe is an entirely proportionate response. I appreciated that the play resisted the temptation to be a goodies-versus-baddies melodrama, and all the players were painted in a fairly impartial light. It didn’t make Clytemnestra’s death any easier for me, but I was pleased that we saw everyone – Clytemnestra, Orestes and Elektra alike – as all living in moral grey areas.
For a given value of "proportionate response."

            After the play was over, as the audience was filing out, I heard the woman behind me say to her companion, “Wait, I don’t understand. Why did the boy want to kill that guy?” and I suddenly but silently went into a rage.

For a given value of "silently."
            I’m sorry, what? Were you wearing a blindfold and earplugs for the entire show? The backstory was explained to you before the start of the play and also at multiple points throughout the play itself, and you still didn’t piece together that “the boy” wanted to kill “that guy” because “that guy” conspired to murder the boy’s father? And furthermore, out of what crackerjack box did you get your fucking high school diploma that you never once heard the story of the House of Atreus? That last point is harsh, I know – I certainly don’t remember everything I learned in high school – but after a weekend of eavesdropping on intermission and post-show conversations (I was with TLC but she ignores me a lot) I am sick to death of people shelling out the money for these productions and then not bothering to pay attention. These actors are speaking English – and look, there isn’t a huge number of places in North America outside of Stratford where you’re going to hear the texts spoken with such clarity and specificity. This isn’t hard, people, and if you think it is, it’s a wonder you’re sufficiently compos mentis to get your shoes on in the morning.
Pictured: The average audience member, APPARENTLY

            Look, I recognize I’ve got rage issues about the whole thing. I go basically apoplectic when someone tells me that they “can’t understand” Shakespeare and it’s “boring.” I once had such strong feelings while defending Hamlet to someone that I actually burst into tears. I’m not saying I come from a place of calm rationality about this. And I really don’t want to sound elitist, because I don’t think it’s an elitist point. Christ, I’ve loved Shakespeare since I was just a kid, and if seven-year-old Liz could follow this stuff, so can any adult with three brain cells to rub together. I don’t think you need to be really well-versed in the material for it to move you. I was listening to an older couple at Much Ado chat before the performance. The wife said, “What is this play about?” and the husband replied, “Well, there’s this king and he has a daughter and he wants her to marry his stepson,” and from there went off into a complex mash-up of Much Ado and Cymbeline (and the play he described doesn’t exist, but if it did I’d shell out good money to see it because it sounds rad). Clearly neither of them knew the play ahead of time, but it was obvious from my continued eavesdropping that they found the show engaging and delightful.

            If I had any sense of proportion or optimism, I’d find vicarious delight in the fact that people, even older people, are discovering and falling in love with these productions and these texts. But I don’t have those things. So I’m left standing in the queue for the ladies’ room listening to the middle-aged woman behind me whine “But wait, why doesn’t that guy like the other guy again?” and fantasizing about going out to the parking lot and closing my fingers in my car door because that would be less painful than listening to her friend try to explain it to her a second time. Rage issues: I have ‘em. (Also, go see Elektra if you get the chance because it’s fucking amazing; the end.)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Cymbeline and Much Ado About Nothing: Reviews


            Of the five plays TLC and I saw this past weekend at the Stratford Festival, three were really superb: Much Ado About Nothing and Cymbeline, both by Shakespeare, and Sophocles’s Elektra. This Much Ado, set in early-twentieth-century Brazil, showcased one of the Festival’s particular strengths: really superb performers in all the roles, as opposed to a few strong actors in principal roles who are then shored up with a middling-to-adequate cast. The principals were, indeed, superb; Beatrice and Benedick were played by a real-life couple and I can’t say if that helped the chemistry between them, but it certainly didn’t hurt. Both Ben Carlson and Deborah Hay are almost preternaturally likeable, and that made their characters’ repartee absolutely enthralling. Furthermore, Ms. Hay was a remarkably delicate, vulnerable and sweet Beatrice, and Mr. Carlson’s affability kept Benedick’s tirades against her from sounding cruel, as they easily could have been in the hands of an actor with a harsher demeanor.

            It is worth repeating that the supporting roles were filled with remarkable actors. Juan Chioran as Don Pedro was leonine, warm and sexy, with a voice I could bathe in, and Gareth Potter played the Duke’s bastard brother Don John with determined malevolence that verged on downright gleeful. Tyrone Savage gave the usually foolish and bland Claudio real depth, and even managed to make me feel sympathy for a character whose actions often seem inexcusable. His jilting of Hero at the altar seemed more a sudden loss of nerve than premeditated cruelty. Hero herself was the only weak point in an otherwise stellar cast, as Bethany Jillard seemed flat almost unto wooden, and somehow managed not to give any life to this text that shines even on the page. However, as Hero never carries the text nor the action, this didn’t damage the overall production too badly, and the tropical setting set off the play’s fast and witty action perfectly, filling the stage with sunlight, Latin music and dance.

            Cymbeline is tonally much darker, although the plot also deals with the disgrace of a virtuous woman through baseless accusations. It’s a tricky play to stage, as it’s one without a clear protagonist, and the action at different points is carried by any one of a number of different characters. There are a lot of characters and a lot of plot, but there is also a lot of heart, and it’s one of my favorite plays in Shakespeare’s canon. This production was perfect. The director, Antoni Cimolino, has a rare gift for coaching his actors until the verse sparkles, and we see the comedy in the dramatic moments and the melancholy in the comic relief. Every member of the extensive cast was superlative, and in a less perfect production, any one of them could have been a stand-out performer. Cara Ricketts was a dream as Innogen, playing her with a backbone of steel but also with a generous plenty of gentleness and loyalty; as an added bonus, she passed as a very credible boy in the play’s second half. Tom McCamus found the pitch-perfect balance of sleaze and sensuality as Iachimo, and I easily believed that a less virtuous woman than Innogen could have fallen prey to his charms. (For the record, I am far less virtuous than she. Mr. McCamus: call me.) Mike Shara went full balls-to-the-wall on making Cloten an unlikeable boor - it was a strong choice, but an effective one. Posthumus is, by virtue of plot necessity, somewhat doltish and easily misled, but Graham Abbey managed to make his devastation at his wife’s perceived infidelities as heart-wrenching for the audience as it was for the character. Mr. Abbey has an impressive knack for shredding through text at a gallop and keeping every word clear, sharp and specific; he also has a particular strength in stage combat, and his swordfight in the battle toward the play’s end was superb. The fight scenes as a whole were exemplary and some of the finest I’ve seen onstage.

            Another shining moment in the play was when the exiled princes, played by E.B. Smith and Ian Lake, mourn the apparent death of the disguised Innogen. It’s a beautiful piece of text, full of grief and tenderness, and the work of Mr. Lake and Mr. Smith heightened the beauty of the verse. I cried real and copious tears for their loss.

            The staging was spare but evocative; although I generally don’t care for multiple-era settings, the mixture of Elizabethan, Roman and pre-Christian British elements was tasteful and effective, and I did not find the pastiche in the least jarring. The pacing was tight and even, and did not falter even in the hugely unwieldy final scene during which the plot’s many threads are unknotted and brought to a tidy conclusion. My only complaint with the play is that it was over far too soon; after the curtain call I would have willingly stayed in my seat and watched the whole thing over again. It was, on the whole, a brilliant piece of theatre, and I am unlikely to see anything nearly so good again anytime soon.

            Coming up soon: I’ll discuss Elektra, and I’ll also offer some thoughts on the two productions I saw that were somewhat less successful (although it is worth noting that both of those were merely good, as opposed to the other three, which were downright outstanding).

Monday, August 20, 2012

A Bit of a Holiday Before Things Get Serious


            I spent last weekend in Stratford, Ontario, at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival with TLC. She’s been taking me there ever since I was a wee thing of eleven, and that’s a huge part of what sparked my deep love of theatre, particularly of the classical variety. We saw five shows: Henry V, Much Ado About Nothing, Cymbeline, The Pirates of Penzance, and Elektra. I’ll blog a bit about the shows themselves later.

            The trip afforded me a chance to see one of my favorite-ever people, Craig: certified tall person, Lord Byron look-alike, and former London denizen. He drove up from Toronto to see me, and he escorted me to Henry V. He’s one of the cleverest, warmest and funniest men I know, and I see him so infrequently that the little time we get together is terribly precious to me.

            “I have a friend who got her MA in Publishing in England,” Craig told me. “She’s back in Toronto now. She works at one of the biggest literary agencies in the country.”

            “Oh lovely! I think I’d like to be a literary agent,” I said. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my degree yet, but I’d really love to get the chance to crush people’s dreams and being an agent would let me do that. Literary agent, or maybe pediatric oncologist, but that would take too much extra school.” He laughed. This man laughs at my jokes about cancer-stricken children. I’ll never find another man like him.

            Of course, in addition to outstanding theatre, Stratford also boasts a number of superb restaurants, so I dove head-first into the town’s gustatory delights. It was a weekend full of wine and cappuccinos, pastas, pastries, local-vegetable salads and crème brulees. I gained three pounds. I don’t even feel bad about it. I didn’t have an unpleasant mouthful all weekend.

            This season marked the return to the Festival of one of my favorite actors, Graham Abbey. He was in the first production I saw at the Festival – he played William Roper in A Man For All Seasons. He was just a kid then, in his mid-twenties, tall and puppyishly cute. In the decade and a half since, I’ve watched him turn into a truly astoundingly effective performer. He speaks verse like he was born to do it – he tears through it neck-breakingly fast and yet it’s sharp, clear, perfectly understandable and deeply affecting. He was in the last performance I saw this weekend, playing Aegisthus in Elektra.
I love this man, and don't even act like you blame me.

            Going to Stratford with my mother and grandmother in 1998 made me feel very grown-up. I wasn’t even a teenager, so I still had a lot of growing to do, but that experience was hugely defining to who I would be as an adult. Graham Abbey was my first proper grown-up celebrity crush, and I am so pleased that one of his performances was my introduction to the Stratford Festival and grown-up life, and another was my last hurrah before I pack up my life here and move across the Atlantic. I’ve only spoken to him once (and briefly at that, at stage door seven or eight years ago), but the gentleman has been a very important part of my life. Thanks, Mr. Abbey. You’ve meant so much to me.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

So Much For My Cunning Plan


            Both times I’ve moved as an adult (once to Michigan, once to New York City), I’ve gained about ten pounds immediately post-move. I always take the pounds off again, but it’s a pain in the butt to have all your clothes be slightly too small. I’m tremendously excited about my upcoming move, and I really wanted to be able to celebrate with my friends without worrying if this glass of wine or that order of fish and chips is going to make me unable to zip up my jeans in the morning. I gain weight very easily, so even little indulgences can make me inflate like a balloon.

            My cunning plan, therefore, was to preemptively lose the ten pounds I know I’m likely to pack on in my first couple of months. I cracked down and through a concerted effort of calorie restriction, long runs and sketchy diet drugs I’ve managed to shave off about nine pounds so far.

            Total success, right? Well, yes, except that I didn’t think about how ten pounds is quite a lot of weight, and so now none of my clothes fit, which is sort of the problem I was trying to avoid in the first place. I’m teaching SAT prep classes in the mornings, and a couple of times my jeans have slid down far enough to display my underthings, which isn’t exactly the impression I want to make on my students.

            My last group of students finishes up this coming week, and I’ve got no real engagements after that until I move, so I will wear lots of drawstring trousers and dresses, and count down the days until I can have enough celebratory wine that my jeans fit again!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Striving For The Illusion Of Control


My friend Whitney came for a visit last weekend. She lives in Kansas, and I appreciate her willingness to schlep out to Ohio to see me. She and I met in culinary school in New York City – she was 18 and away from home for the first time and I was already in my twenties, so I adopted her as a sort of baby sister and we’ve been close ever since. Whitney is tiny and well-read and possessed of a bone-dry sense of humor, and her visit was a much-needed breath of fresh air from fretting alternately about work and my upcoming move. We ate nice dinners and drank bottle after bottle of white wine and laughed a lot, and I took her out to Blossom Music Center to hear the Cleveland Orchestra. She watched the puppy for me so I could catch up on some chores uninterrupted, and we took adorable photos of little Hugo dressed in humiliating costumes. It was as nice and restful a staycation as I could’ve asked for.
This puppy thinks of nothing but murder all day.
  I did a little fretting at her about all the tasks both big and small I need to complete before I move (T minus five weeks and five days, not that anyone’s counting). She nodded and looked sympathetic for a socially appropriate length of time before gently suggesting that it might be more useful to actually write down the tasks and make a schedule, rather than lie on the couch and whine about them.

Whitney was so right. Rather than worry about how little time I had, I resolved to start using my worry-time to work. After I dropped her off at the airport last Monday (to what turned out to be a hellishly delayed flight – sorry, Whitney) I sat down and compiled a massive to-do list that stretched over two sheets of notebook paper. I sorted the tasks by size and urgency, and created a week-by-week schedule for myself. I was a little apprehensive that such a massive list would leave me feeling overwhelmed and directionless, but it actually makes me feel calmer and much more in control.

I started with a small, manageable series of tasks. Anyone who cooks seriously will understand when I say I have a relationship with my knives, so that seemed as good a place as any to start. I sorted through my kitchen gear to pick the essentials, and gave each piece a thorough cleaning and sharpened my knives. I packed all the tools up in my sleek new knife roll and stowed that with my luggage. I was absolutely giddy when I got to cross those items off my to-do list. I can’t wait to finish another job so I can strike that off the list, too. If I get any peppier about this process, I’ll need to give myself a stern talking-to to restore my natural levels of cynicism and torpor.

I’m totally not worried. On the schedule for this weekend, I’ve assigned myself cleaning off my desk and cleaning out my closet, and that is a guaranteed pep-killer. It’s going to be my own little episode of Hoarders, although without any pressed-to-death housepets.  I think.  I hope.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Visa Rollercoaster


            As of yesterday, I was finally officially granted my student visa to live and study in the United Kingdom. My application has been “in progress” for more than a month now, and I’ve been pacing the floor, chewing my fingernails and popping antacids for just about the entire time.
            Have you ever applied for a visa to live abroad? If you haven’t, let me tell you, it is a full-scale Broadway production, complete with costumes, sets, divas and a kickline. My only previous experience with the process was about a year and a half ago, when I spent a month travelling around India. An Indian tourist visa is no problem at all – you fill out a form giving your name, address, and a promise you’re not a terrorist, and you send that with a photo, your passport and a small fee to a visa processing company and boom, five days later you’re set to visit India. The UK process is entirely different. I needed to go to a federal building to be fingerprinted and photographed, I had to give extensive copies of “evidence of [my] financial situation,” I needed a notarized copy of my birth certificate in addition to my passport – and on top of that, the application fee is several hundred dollars. Even the form was epic; I had to give identifying information for both of my parents, dates and reasons for all previous international travel, information on all expired passports, and (here’s the bit where I made a mistake) anything on any prior crimes or offenses, including traffic violations.
            I freely admit I am a fair-to-middling driver, but I am (generally) pretty good about at least not crashing my car into things. However, I was involved in a minor one-car fender-bender when I was sixteen, some two months after I’d gotten my driver’s license, and I got a ticket from an incredibly grouchy cop for failure to control my vehicle. (I remember milking that accident into a whole day off school – the airbag punched me in the face and my nose swelled up to twice its usual already-generously-proportioned size, and I stayed at home with an icepack and sulked.) In my home state of Ohio, when a minor gets a traffic ticket, said minor must appear in juvenile traffic court with an associated parent or guardian, which is exactly the barrel of laughs you think it is.
            Anyway, I really wanted to be honest about everything on my visa application, because I would be crushed if it had gotten rejected on the grounds of “failure to disclose” or something, so I said that I had no criminal convictions but I did have one minor moving violation from 2003. My god, you’d think I told them that I’d crashed my car into a group of blind orphans holding puppies! After a couple of weeks of waiting I received an email telling me I needed to send them proof from a court that I had “served my sentence” and that “all criminal cases are closed.”
            WHAT.
            The entirety of my sentence had been a long car ride with my mother, who was grouchy about having to take off work to go with me to court, and I’m pretty sure the government didn’t take the time to document that. Anyway, I discovered when I called the juvenile court that they don’t keep records of traffic citations for more than a few years, so a nine-year-old ticket wasn’t in the system. I could find no proof that I’d even been in the damn accident.
            Again I say: WHAT.
            Cue tearful meltdowns to family and friends on both sides of the Atlantic. The visa office was asking me for documents that didn’t exist. Of course, I couldn’t speak to anyone at the visa office – for reasons of security there’s no way to call or email anyone there directly. My aunt (who is a lawyer and also a lifesaver) helped me prepare an affidavit that 1. I hadn’t been sentenced in the first place and 2. it was so long ago there isn’t even any record of the incident anywhere official. I faxed the notarized affidavit to the visa office and went back to the antacids and nail-chewing and pacing. I had no idea if that was documentation enough.
            And now, a week later, I just got an email telling me that I’ve been granted permission to live in the UK. I am going to finally sleep easily tonight, and I can’t wait to start the London chapter of my life! For now, though, I think I’m going to have a real meal and a manicure, and I’ll see if I can’t erase some of the lingering signs of the stress of the past weeks.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Eight Weeks To Go


            Nearly a year ago, I decided I wanted to move to England. After years of puttering around my life, chasing this whim and then that one, I decided that it was time for me to really commit myself to something – so, with typical Liz all-or-nothing gusto, I committed myself to changing everything about my life. I chose a university and applied as discreetly as I could; my mother had just had fairly major surgery and I didn’t want to add anything to my family’s plate. When my offer of a place at Middlesex University finally came in October of last year, I was over the moon. I knew that the transition would be a huge one – I’d have to start saying “trousers” instead of “pants,” for a start, and I’d need to brush up on my queuing skills. I’d also have to say goodbye to my parents, friends and my beloved dog, sell off most of my possessions and move across more than two thousand miles from Cleveland, Ohio, to London, but let’s focus on the important stuff – it’s the queuing and the trousers, right?
            When I was accepted into university, it seemed like an eternity until the day I’d leave. Suddenly, that day is eight weeks away. The excitement is so acute I can feel it crackle like electricity in my throat, but the anxiety is an equally palpable lump in my chest.
            I live with my mother at the moment. We have a complicated relationship, but then we’re both complicated women. “Complicated” here is a descriptor that covers a multiple of sins, but essentially we’re both opinionated, deeply stubborn, and the more-or-less delightful kind of neurotic. Sometimes I can’t wait to put an ocean between us; sometimes I don’t know what I’ll do without her in the next room.
            She and I went with a friend of ours to hear the Cleveland Orchestra at their summer home tonight – it’s a vast open-air amphitheatre sent into a hill, and we brought a picnic and sat on the lawn and listened to Mozart as the stars came out. I put my head in my mother’s lap as the orchestra played the overture to The Abduction From The Seraglio.  That was the first opera my mom ever took me to see, nearly two whole decades ago. I wish I could say something deep and wise about the cyclical nature of life, but all I can think about is how much I’ll miss my mother, and how grateful I am that she has always allowed me to be me.